October 27, 2011

More on living with my mother-in-law

In my previous post on living with my mother-in-law, several of the comments indicate the sentiment that they wish they did not have to live with their in-laws.  They want to get out of that situation, but have no choice.

Not many of us, if any, marry our spouses wanting to invite the in-laws to live with us.  When we got married, we may have had an idea that “someday” when the parents get old, there is a possibility that we would have to take care of them, but we were naïve, and had no idea what that would be like.  But now here we are…

Having my MIL living with us is definitely not my ideal family life. I had imagined a cozy little cottage with a vegetable garden, my husband and I and our perfect children picking flowers while walking our dog…chestnuts roasting on an open fire…

Is life ever exactly what we want it to be??

How do we deal with other curve balls of life? We handle it, we make the best of it, we adjust to it, and we grow from it. We don’t like it, but we accept it.  For some reason when it comes to in-laws, we have the idea that we are entitled to have our way rather than helping family. I know it’s disrupting, I know it seems like forever, and there is no glory in it.  The only thing is, it’s the human thing to do.

I am not saying that you should not try to change things up if possible.  You should definitely do everything that you can to have boundaries, cooperation, and full support from your spouse. Enlist other family members to help, etc.

But after all that’s said and done, the change ultimately comes from you.

I look at it this way: if I was my MIL, would I want to be in this situation where I have to live with my daughter-in-law? My answer would be no, and I am sure my MIL’s answer would be the same.  I’m sure she wishes her husband was still alive.  I’m sure this is not where she thought she would end up.  I’m sure she would rather retire in Hawaii or traveling the world on a cruise.  Instead she has to live with me. Whoopee.

I’m not the only one suffering here.  Life has thrown her a few curve balls too.  I need to have some compassion.  At least I still have options.  I picked up more hobbies to distract myself. I go out more rather than hanging around the house. And sometimes I just stay in my room and read. Yes, I have to make adjustments, and yes, I wish I didn’t have to.  But I do know that I’m doing the right thing to have my MIL living with us.  And when you live in obedience to God, He will not forget you. The kindness you are showing will not be wasted.

As with every negative situation, you have to think of the positives to get you through.  Attitude is everything.

The important thing here is not to keep bucking against it.  As my pastor used to say, lean into the pain.  Accept it for what it is and you will be a better person for it.

Now let me talk about a few survival skills:

1. Don’t expect too much of yourself.  I don’t try to be my MIL’s best friend. I don’t think I can be, nor want to be.  I keep a bit of distance so that I can be polite to her as I would a friend.  I think that if we get too comfortable, it would be a case of familiarity breeds contempt. This is just my personality, but some of you may be able to have a close relationship with your MIL, and I applaud you.

2. Don’t punish your husband for what his mother does, unless you want a divorce. It’s not fair to him or to you. He is on your side, so don’t make him the enemy.

3. Don’t let things fester. If your MIL does something that bothers you and you know it is within her control to stop it, you need to ask her to. For example, giving advice on child raising is a big one. I don’t like anyone giving me unsolicited advice, my MIL or anyone else. If you think she is overstepping her bounds, tell her that you are the mother and will make the decisions concerning your kids. She’s already had her chance raising her kids, now it’s your turn to have the fun.

4. Do take advantage of whatever your MIL likes to do and let her do it. My MIL likes to cook, so I let her do it. Sure, I like to cook too, but rather than jockeying for position, I can use my time to experiment the fun stuff, like french desserts :) With my MIL at home with my kids, I take advantage of it and go out more with my husband. Win-win all around.

That’s it for now. Maybe I’ll add more later, after I have a chance to practice them!

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October 27, 2011

Discipling our children, part 1

In a couple of weeks, I will be presenting a short workshop for parents on discipling our children. It’s hard to narrow down into one hour what is most important to share on this huge topic. But then, I am a firm believer that less is more, so one hour is certainly sufficient to pack in some important concepts, and it forces me to laser beam my approach.

In the next few posts, I will write about this topic of discipling children, as a way to flesh out some of my thoughts.

First, I want to make a distinction between discipline and discipleship.

Discipline, as defined in dictionary.com means “behavior in accord with rules of conduct; behavior and order maintained by training and control.” It has to do with molding the outward behavior.

Discipleship, or becoming a disciple means to be a follower e.g. to be follower of Jesus. It has to do with molding the inward heart.

Often times we confuse or mix the two.  If our children behave well, we are happy, and we assume they are good disciples.  But that is not always true, is it?  Jesus rebuked the Pharisees, not because they were doing wrong things, in fact they followed all the rules to the letter. But they were not doing it with the right heart. They were missing the spirit of the law, which was to focus on God, the giver of the law.

We tend to be more concerned about outward behavior because that is the immediate need.  We want to have a conflict-free home with children who will do as they are told.  That would make our jobs as parents so much easier! Having well behaved children is a source our pride as well. We are embarrassed when our children misbehave in public.  We see it as a reflection of us, so we are quick to discipline.

When we think about disciplining our children to behave well, we need to have the bigger picture in front of us. Discipline with the view that we are discipling and molding their heart, not just the behavior.  Disciplining is not an end in itself, it is merely a means to an end of directing our children to God.

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October 20, 2011

Using a Postcard app

I used Postcard On The Run on my iPhone to send a picture of the family to my daughter at college, hoping she’ll tack it up on her bulletin board and not forgot us. :)
The app is easy to use, it works great, and the postcard got to her within a week and a half. This is especially useful when sending pictures to friends and family when you’re on vacation. But you can use it to send a postcard any time, just for fun. It’s always nice to receive something in the mailbox – the physical mailbox, not just your e-mail box. Postcard On The Run makes it easy with printing and postcard all included.

Disclosure: I received one free postcard in order to write this review. The opinions are my own.

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October 18, 2011

7 Blindspots of Homeschooling

Reb Bradley of Family Ministries wrote a very convicting article titled “Solving the Crisis in Homeschooling – Exposing the 7 Major Blindspots of Homeschoolers”.

This article is not just for homeschoolers, but for every parent who is serious about bringing their children up in the Christian faith. I saw myself making many of the mistakes that Bradley points out.  As a well-meaning parent trying to do our best, we often miss the blindspots in this article helps to point those out.

Here are just a few quotes that hit me. It’s a rather long article, but well worth the read. And take your time reading it, and watch how it exposes the blindspots in your parenting.

Blindspot #1 – Self-centered dreams

“It is only natural for parents to have high hopes and dreams for the children.  However, when we begin to see our children as a reflection or validation of us, we become the center of our dreams, and the children become our source of significance.”

Blindspot #2 – Family as an idol

“An idol is anything other than God in which we seek security and fulfillment… As those who are devoted to our families, and therefore invest a great deal of time, energy, and heart, it is easy to elevate the family too high.”

Blindspot #3 – Emphasis on outward form

“In the homeschool community I have observed that there can be a great emphasis on outward appearance, whether it is dressing for excellence, modesty, grooming, respectful manners, music style, or an attitude of sober reverence and worship.  Some even take their children down a country path of humble fashions, raising food, and breaking bread.  Nothing is wrong with any of these things, but we must be careful – we can model for our children out with changes and easily fall into moving their behavior and/or appearance, while missing their hearts.  In some circles emphasis on the outward is epidemic.”

That’s just a taste of the first 3 blindspots, there are 4 more even more convicting blindspots that Bradley points out.

Since there is no URL to the article, let me point you to the website familyministries.com, click on FREE at the top, scroll down to the Family Life section, click on the article titled, “Solving the Crisis in Homeschooling.”

Please read it and let me know what to think.

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October 17, 2011

How to stop siblings from fighting

If you have more than one child, chances are they fight.

Well-meaning parents sometimes do more to aggravate the situation rather than help the children come to a solution.

Babysitters.net offers the following “10 Solutions to Constantly Fighting Siblings.”  Try these out and see if your kids will keep the fighting to a minimum.

Sibling rivalry has been around since the beginning of time, literally. It can stem from jealousy or even just age difference. It is our responsibility as adults to help kids work through their differences, in a calm and respectful manner. Listed below are ten solutions to constantly fighting siblings.

  1. Don’t Take Sides. If a child notices an adult taking sides or favoring their sibling, they may start to resent both parties. Remember to be impartial, and look at both sides of the situation.
  2. Cooperation. Have the kids do activities that require them to work together, rather than against each other. Focus on cooperative games and not competitive ones.
  3. No Whining. Coach the children, and teach them to use a normal tone of voice when asking for something. If they start to whine, even when talking to a sibling, have them start over and ask again. They are much more likely to share with the other sibling, if their tone of voice is not shrieking or demanding.
  4. Alone Time. Make sure that each child has an adequate amount of time that they get to spend by themselves. Having a younger sibling that always tags along can get irritating, so make sure that you attempt to provide them time on their own too.
  5. One-on–One Time. Not only do kids need to have time to themselves, they also need some one-on-one time with their parents and caregivers. Make sure that you are giving each child some undivided attention on a regular basis.
  6. Negotiate. Negotiating is a valuable skill that will come in handy later in life. Work with the children to learn to share their toys. During the negotiations, have them each express how they feel. This will help the other to see both sides.
  7. Hold Them Accountable. Avoid letting the “he started it” to set in, and help them to see that it takes two to have an argument. Show them how their actions are not improving the situation.
  8. Get Them Involved. Start a dialog to help the children see the other person’s point of view. Ask them what they would have done, ask them if what they did was right and ask them how it should have been done differently.
  9. Role Play. Once they have figured out how the problem should have been handled, have them act it out. After practicing the right way to handle a situation, they will be better equipped if it comes up again.
  10. Set a Better Example. Take some time to think of how you react to stressful situations. Do you fly off the handle and yell or throw things? If so, how can you expect the children to behave differently? We need to be good role models for kids, and lead by example.

The fact is, siblings will not always get along, and it is the job of their caregivers to help ease them through conflicts. Keep a calm head. Try some of the techniques above, and you will be well on your way to teaching them great conflict resolution skills.

(Article used with permission)

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October 16, 2011

Slow Family and a few other good reads

Here are a few good articles I read recently:

- Is your family too busy leaving little time to just be with each other?  Read “‘Slow family’ movement focuses on fewer outside activities”

“When we ask people what they want their family to look like 10 or 20 years from now, pretty much across the board people say they want there to be communication, connections and a tight relationship,” Noll said. “But the thing is, you need to be building that relationship now, when everybody’s under the same roof, so that 20 years down the road, you can have that sustainable connection.”

- This will put perspective in your relationship with your children. Read “Notes from a Dragon Mom.”

“…my son is 18 months old and will likely die before his third birthday. Ronan was born with Tay-Sachs, a rare genetic disorder.”

- Are you dealing with your child’s behavior and not reaching his heart? Read “Getting to the Heart of Your Child’s Behavior.”

“Your child’s needs are far more profound than his aberrant behavior. Remember, his behavior does not just spring forth uncaused. His behavior—the things he says and does—reflects his heart. If you are to really help him, you must be concerned with the attitudes of heart that drive his behavior.”

 

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October 6, 2011

Thank you to Steve Jobs’ bio mom

Thank you, Steve Jobs’ bio mom, for choosing life for your son when you were a pregnant single unwed mother. Thank you for making the courageous decision to give your son to be raised in a two-parent home that gave him the opportunity to be the man he became, a man who impacted the world immeasurably.

Because you are unselfish, you gave your son the opportunities he would otherwise not have. Because you chose adoption, my own son has the opportunities of traveling the world while working as an iPhone app developer (Greengar Studios in the app store – a shameless plug for my son).  I am using a beautiful iPhone 4 because of you (and hope to upgrade to the 4s). Toy Story 1, 2, & 3 would not be the same if it had not been for the choice you made for life for your son.

I hope that all pregnant mothers out there who are having to make a choice, would look to you as a model, to choose life for their babies. I hope they see from the life of Steve Jobs that the miracle of life should not be extinguished but be given the chance to become someone great.

 

 

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October 4, 2011

Are apps a good idea to manage children’s chores?

How do you get your kids to do chores at home?

Do you offer them rewards? Do you pay them?

Or do you use an app?

John Rosemond in his article “Skip the app for children’s chores” makes a strong point that using an app that rewards children for doing chores is Parenting of the Absurd. Trying to entice kids with gimmicks and rewards does not teach children the concept of family. Rosemont says “First, a family is the most fundamental of social groupings. The family, not the individual, is the building block of a functional society. As such, family is the training ground for citizenship. Good citizenship is defined by contribution, not entitlement. Therefore, children should be contributing members of their families. The most meaningful way they can contribute is by doing their fair share of the work that must be done to keep the home clean, tidy and otherwise habitable.” (Read entire article here.)

I share a similar philosophy with Rosemond. In a previous post, I wrote “If we pay our children to do chores, we are sending them two messages: 1) They are entitled to freely have everything we provide for them while the contributions they make has to be paid for. 2) A family is just like a business where you get paid for doing work. We just happen to all live under one roof.”

However I have never used an app to manage my children’s chores. I’m not against some kind of accountability system and perhaps an app could well be used to serve that purpose.

What do you think? Do you reward your children for doing chores?

Do you use an app for that?

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September 28, 2011

10 things your kids really want from you

Your child may say he wants those $200 pair of Nikes, but what he really wants from you is not what money can buy.

What children need is not more stuff that fills space, but the kind of stuff that fulfills their emotional needs, the space in their hearts. Ask a child what he wants from his parents and he’ll probably come up with a list something like this:

1. Listen without criticizing or giving a lecture.
2. Be fair with rules without being too tough or lenient.
3. Have a sense of humor and have more laughter at home.
4. Don’t pick on every little thing they do wrong.
5. Use those magic words with them that you taught them to use – please, thank you, I’m sorry
6. A hug, a pat on the shoulder is nice.
7. Don’t be sarcastic or demeaning.
8. Let them live the life they are called to, not what you want for them.
9. Don’t compare them with their siblings or other people’s kids.
10. A mom and dad who love each other.

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September 13, 2011

What teachers really want to tell parents

With almost 3,000 comments, the article “What Teachers Really Want to Tell Parents” by Ron Clark on CNN.com got [mostly] agreement from teachers and parents alike.

As a parent, are you guilty of any of the issues that Clark says about parents who do not respect the work of the teacher?

Here is one that I can relate to:

If we give you advice, don’t fight it. Take it, and digest it in the same way you would consider advice from a doctor or lawyer. I have become used to some parents who just don’t want to hear anything negative about their child, but sometimes if you’re willing to take early warning advice to heart, it can help you head off an issue that could become much greater in the future.

I often think that I know what’s best for my child, but I have to admit that the teacher who sees my child almost everyday can likely give valuable insight and advice.

How about this one?

And parents, you know, it’s OK for your child to get in trouble sometimes. It builds character and teaches life lessons. As teachers, we are vexed by those parents who stand in the way of those lessons; we call them helicopter parents because they want to swoop in and save their child every time something goes wrong. If we give a child a 79 on a project, then that is what the child deserves. Don’t set up a time to meet with me to negotiate extra credit for an 80. It’s a 79, regardless of whether you think it should be a B+.

What about IF the teacher is unfair, or that the project really does deserve a higher grade compare to other projects you see? I still agree with Clark that we should not try to rescue our child from an unfair teacher.

We have come to think of school as grades, but school is about education. And part of that education is building character and dealing with life such as unfairness and disappointment. If the teacher is unfair, I would encourage my child to talk to the teacher herself and learn from the experience. That is more valuable than the A that she may get.

 

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