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Saving your kiss

May 4th, 2008 / 6 Comments


A caller on the radio talk show had this question:

She was very excited to have landed the lead role in a community theater. The problem is, there is one kiss with the leading man required. Her husband objected to her taking the role. What should she do?

When I heard the dilemma, my first thought was, “What’s the big deal with one little kiss? Her husband is being ridiculous.”

But the host’s answer surprised me. She said, the husband’s reaction is not about jealousy. It’s a matter of modesty. What kind of message is she giving to her children? What message is she giving to her husband?

In fact, the caller then said her children did ask about “mommy kissing another man”. Even though they understand it’s just a show, they seemed very uncomfortable with the idea.

I am afraid I’ve taken kissing too lightly.

We’ve been conditioned to think kissing is not big deal. People kiss on the first date, when they hardly even know the person. Teen shows on Disney channel show young people kiss on dates, and next thing you know, they break up.

Yet, if you think about it, kissing is quite an intimate exchange. It’s foreplay that arouses our desire for more. But more often than not, it is view as an innocent recreational pastime.

I was taught to not have premarital sex, but I was not held to a higher standard. Now that I am married, I wish I was not so free with kissing. If I had to do it over again, I wish I had saved my first kiss.

My daughter came home from a youth group meeting and said our pastor’s wife challenged them to save their first kiss for the wedding day. Is that possible? In this culture of sexual freedom, can young people hold to such a standard?

In fact, I know several newly married couples that have succeeded. Their first kiss was at the altar.

We don’t expect enough of our kids. As the authors of the Rebelution says, culture is constantly reinforcing lower and lower standards and expectations for our teens. Yet teenagers are capable of much more when they are challenged. We are seeing many technological inventions coming from young people because they see a vision of what our world can be.

It is the same for morality. We have set the standards of morality too low. By doing so, we are not doing our children any favors. Messages of “Don’t get pregnant” or “Don’t have intercourse before marriage” are not teaching our children the true meaning of modesty and who they can be.

I wish I was challenged to save my first kiss. My mistake could save my children some heartaches in their future. Let’s challenge our children to save their first kiss and see them live a life that they will not feel ashamed of.

Photo by circo de invierno

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  1. Great post! A friend of mine had her first kiss at the alter. I think that is truly the meaning of purity. My parents tried very hard to teach me purity. I also took it as “no sex before marriage”. There is a long list of other things and people I wish I had handled differently. I hope to teach this to my children in a way that inspires them to reach that goal.

  2. I wish I had been taught that myself, and I had the same initial reaction you did about the “theater” kiss. I’ll be keeping this in mind for my girls – thanks so much for writing about it.

    I have to agree with you about holding our kids to a higher standard. I remember talking with a woman before I had kids (she had teens.) I told her I believed children will rise to the lowest expectation we have of them. She dismissed me because I didn’t have children, but I know it because I lived it myself. Sadly, her kids had some problems in the area of purity, and I have to think at least part of it had to do with parental expectations set tragically low.

    I understand that even with the best of boundaries and expectations set, some children will fail, but at least they are aware of the choices they are making.

  3. Great comments, ladies. We can make a difference in the next generation!

  4. The type of kiss being discussed here is actually a sign of possession. The husband is the only one with the right to kiss a woman like that. I’m 16 (nearly 17), and I’m saving my first kiss, I’ve never wanted to do otherwise, and I hope I never do.

  5. Katie, I am proud of you. I hope you can influence young people of your generation to do the same.

  6. Honestly, I think it’s a sweet idea to save your first kiss for your husband/ wife. But, I would never be able to marry someone without knowing if we were physically compatible, too! I think physical connection is just as important in a relationship as mental connection! You wouldn’t want to marry someone you had never even dated, would you? I would personally never kiss someone on a first date. I had been with my boyfriend for a month before I we kissed! We have been together for 7 months now, and kissing has only made us truly bond more! It isn’t a “dirty foreplay” as some see it, but a way to connect with someone. Without that, I would never be as open, comfortable, and close with him as I am now!


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