March 10th, 2008 / 4 Comments
Today’s article is written by Peter Aldin, founder of Great Circle Life Coaching. For over a decade, he has provided coaching, workshops and training that assist people to sharpen their personal and professional relationships and communication. Peter and his family live and work in Melbourne. I love his light-hearted (and helpful) look at fatherhood on his blog www.freakedoutfathers.com He has good insights into what we can expect as a parent.
Did you ever have that experience where youâ€™re looking at a car to buy and it has what the salesperson calls â€˜extrasâ€™ – which you know are actually standard for the model? CD player, air-con, airbags, etc.
Well, thereâ€™s also â€˜stuffâ€™ which seems to come â€˜standardâ€™ with kids. Itâ€™s part of the package. These â€˜extrasâ€™ are universal and theyâ€™re free when you bring your baby home from the hospital or you marry a lady who already has kids.
Here is a fairly comprehensive list of what you can expect as the standard equipment with every child:
1. Pressure. Congratulations! You just took on another role in life. I bet that makes you so excited! The Universe believes I can do more and be more! Whoo hoo!!â€™
2. Conflict. It’ll occur in places where there was no conflict at all, not only with your kids, but with your partner and even with your own parents (who may want to question your parenting style). Put more than one person in a situation and conflict has to happen. Itâ€™s like a law of nature.
3. Anxiety. This may or may not be the traditional up-all-night-worrying-about-where-your-daughter-is. It may just be wondering how to be great at your job AND great at your parenting role. Or trying to wear too many hats at once. Or worrying that your wife will never again have energy left at the end of a day for you!
4. Serendipity. This means accidentally discovering something wonderful. Expect the unexpected â€¦ in a very positive way. Your child will surprise you with their insight, their giftedness, their sense of humour, their perspective, their personality. You will also discover things about yourself and your partner that youâ€™d never have discovered without kids. This is part of the pay-off. When you have one of these moments, savour it!
5. Mess: Dad, get used to it. If you are anally retentive, fussy, house-proud, or a perfectionist, then youâ€™re in for a challenge. No matter how wonderful your communication skills, teaching style or behaviour management techniques – KIDS MAKE MESS. They break things, stain things, rip things, colour things in – sometimes accidentally, sometimes intentionally. It is par for this course.
6. Learning Curve. If you thought life was interesting up until now, you ainâ€™t seen nothing yet!
7. Exhaustion. Youâ€™re about to get tired. Real tired. Plan to recharge your batteries as much as you can and donâ€™t overextend yourself when you canâ€™t.
8. Mentoring Moments. I ask Dads to be ready to respond warmly to requests like this:
- â€œDad, can you help me with â€¦?â€
- â€œDad, can you fix my â€¦?â€
- â€œDad, what do I do here?â€
And be ready to say things like, â€œSon, do you want to come with me while I â€¦?â€
They need you and need to be with you.
9. The Apprentice eventually becoming the Master. I donâ€™t always have to be right. Who helps me navigate a computer game now? My eleven year-old son. Who keeps me in touch with whatâ€™s new in music, cool-speak and fashion? My kids. Who will probably help me solve a lot of problems in the future? My kids.
And thatâ€™s as it should be.
10. Powerlessness. At times, no matter how much effort you exert, no matter how clever you are, you are not going to be able to change something.
11. Influence. Sounds like Iâ€™ve just contradicted myself, huh? But the truth is that by your daily behaviour (â€˜modelingâ€™) and through spending quality and quantity time with them, you will surely and steadily influence your childâ€™s outlook and habits (as Maxwell Smart would say, either for niceness or for rottenness). Your influence is largely born of your own consistency, character and care for them.
12. Responsibility. A word that 2 of my buddies (still single in their 30s) call the R Word. Maybe thatâ€™s why theyâ€™re not married. Manhoodâ€™s not measured by how much chest hair you have or how hard you can hit a ball with a stick. Itâ€™s measured by the level of responsibility you are prepared to take – for yourself and for othersâ€™ well-being. You brought this child into the world and even as they increasingly take steps to take responsibility for themselves, the buck will ultimately stop with you for quite some time.
13. Fun. It is if you let it be. Where else in your life do you get to play with toys, play ball, crack stupid jokes â€¦ and be commended for it?!
So, new Dad, strap yourself in for the rollercoaster ride. It may well be both the scariest and the most exhilarating ride of your life!
Photo by Jaqian