Adventures in Parenting

In the previous post, I started to address the question by a parent: “My 11-year-old is disrespectful, talks back to us, and unmotivated in school. We’ve tried talking to her, giving her rewards and punishment, nothing seems to work. What should we do?”

Here’s the 2nd part of the answer where I take a different approach from what you may usually hear.

Understanding our tween is the first step in dealing with them effectively. In addition to hormonal changes and the effects on our tweens, growing independence is another issue they face.

The difficulty with this issue is that it is as much our challenge as a parent as it is theirs!

In the elementary school years, we are there as room parents and field trip chaperons. But in middle school, our kids are beginning to be more autonomous from us, and gravitating to their friends – going to friends’ houses without you around, and going to the mall or the movies with their friends instead of with the family.

I remember my daughter going to her friend’s house to do a class project, and was there all day until 9pm.  That didn’t happen in elementary school. There were occasions when I dropped her off at school late afternoon for band practice when the school seemed empty. She had to be “on her own”.

I have to admit, this is pretty scary for us as parents.  We know in our head that this is inevitable, in fact desirable in preparing our kids for adulthood. But in our hearts, we have yet to let go.  As our tweens are going into another stage of life, so are we as parents.

Put together our struggle with our own insecurities of letting go with our tweens insecurities and desire to go, what do you get?? Not a pretty sight.

Another aspect of this issue is that our children’s individuality is emerging more. Sure, we’ve experienced their own personalities when they were little, but they were still just kids that we can keep under control. But now as tweens and teenagers, they have their own opinions, their own priorities, and even their own values. They no longer agree with what we tell them. The fact is, they no longer need to comply. We tell them to study but they’re playing computer games. The lectures and threats gets old and are plain tiring.

Basically what we have here is a very nebulous relationship prone to lots of emotionally charged conflicts and misunderstandings.

So in answer to the parent’s question above about what to do with their daughter, I encourage you to take a step back and critically examine your own heart.

Are you still treating your daughter as if she was in 3rd grade?

Are you treating her with respect as an individual and allowing her to express her opinions?

Are you giving her an appropriate amount of decision-making?

Are you mad with her because of your own insecurity of letting go?

Are you dealing with your own sadness and hurt because she doesn’t need you as much anymore?

Explain to your daughter how hard it is for you to see her grow up. Ask her how you can be a better parent to her at this new stage of life together. You may be surprised at the maturity of her answer.

In the next post, we will continue this discussion of dealing with our tween.