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Discipline from inside out

April 4th, 2008 / 7 Comments

This is the 6th and last article on Effective Discipline shadows

I heard on the radio of a dad telling the story of his 6 perfectly behaved children . He trained them properly alright. But as his children got older, he realized they were behaving out of fear and guilt. They did not dare disobey their strict parents. Was that what he wanted from his children? Was it enough to have perfect outward behavior?

In the perfect world, our children will be intrinsically motivated to do the right thing because they know it’s right and good.

But in the real world, we know that much of their good behavior is to earn the coveted prize offered or to avoid punishment for doing the right things. Is it wrong to dangle the carrot to elicit good behavior?

I have 2 thoughts about that:

1. I think offering a motivator is necessary to prime the pump in teaching good behavior. Can we expect our children to only be motivated with right motives when we as adults often are not? We drive the speed limit only when we see a cop at the corner, not because we think it’s the right thing to do. At work we work harder when offered a bonus, not because we are dedicated employees.

In earning either a tangible reward such as a toy or just a reward of praise, or in some cases to avoid punishment, our children develop good habits in doing the right thing. They receive positive affirmation from teachers and parents that builds their self-esteem. In the previous article, I offered 10 suggestions of how to do that.

2. At the same time, our job is not done simply when we see our children outwardly doing the right things when motivated to do so. Eventually, they have to act out of their internalized values of what is right. My two older children are in college now. There is no chart of accountability on the refrigerator for them anymore! Decisions they make and actions they take are totally on their own based on what they believe on their inside. How do we teach our children to internalize the right values?

You can probably find good information on moral development of children and all that. I’ll just give you some day-to-day suggestions without the lofty psychological theories for teaching our children from the inside out.

Now that two of my children are grown, I look back and realize I did many things that didn’t work.

INEFFECTIVE methods of teaching values:

1. Extensive lecturing. Merely telling your children over and over again what’s right doesn’t mean they get it and you’ve done your part.

2. Extensive reasoning with a young child. If you say to a 3-year-old, “We don’t hit other people because it’s not nice,” do they really care if they are nice or not? Do they even know what that means? From their egocentric view of the world, little kids only care about themselves. They haven’t matured enough to see outside of themselves. Reasoning is fine, but at a young age, it doesn’t get internalized.

3. Extensive use of punishment as a motivator for good behavior. Children will obey you if you threaten him enough. But what you are trying to teach them takes on such negative associations that they will reject rather than embrace the desired value. A friend of mine was strictly enforced by her dad to make her bed every morning. Now as an adult, she never makes her bed!

More effective methods of teaching values:

1. Modeling values with your own behavior. Don’t you wish “Do as I say, not as I do” actually works? I don’t know off-hand any specific studies, but I bet there is plenty of research that shows children will take on the values taught by their parents when the parents actively practice them in their own lives.

I am sorry to say that my parents were those who avoid callers on the phone by telling us kids to lie saying they are not there. To this day, I struggle with telling “white” lies.

As they say, “Values are caught, not taught.” There is much more to say about living an exemplary life, but we’ll leave that for another post.

2. Share your mistakes and admit you were wrong. If values are caught and we should model with right action, does that mean good kids can only come from parents who live a sinless life?

A mom asked the radio talk show how she can encourage her children to go to college when both she and her husband dropped out of high school but are having a good life. The answer the host gave was for her to admit what she did was a mistake. She was just lucky that she has a good life. Most people who drop out of school are not so lucky. She also missed the stimulation and growth that comes with finishing school.

We often try to hide our mistakes hoping that will help our children not follow in our steps. But c’mon, do you really think our kids think we are perfect?? I’m pretty sure they know we have made plenty of mistakes. There’s no hiding from them. It is better to admit them to our kids and tell them the consequences we suffered because of them. We can use ourselves as an object lesson to teach our children. “See what I missed out because of what I did wrong?” They can then see how they can avoid your mistake.

3. Ask questions instead of lecturing. By this I do not mean putting lectures in question form such as: “Don’t you know you shouldn’t hit people like that?” Rhetorical questions do not count as true questions. Yes/No questions do not count either.

Ask questions that help the child think about his own actions. “What else could you have done besides hitting?” “Why do you think the school punish people for hitting others?” “What would happen if kids were allowed to hit others?”

4. Provide real life experiences. I prefer running water and sleeping on a soft bed, but in order to internalize such values of compassion and altruism, we have to go out of our comfort zone once in a while.

We are not that adventurous, but even just going camping once in a while was a good way for my children to get out of their comfort zone. We had an opportunity to visit Hong Kong and China and stayed in relatives’ homes in crammed quarters. This summer, my 18-year-old and my 20-year old are going on a missions trip to Guatemala. Some kind of experiences in unfamiliar territory can teach volumes.

5. Allow our children to experience consequences. A parent called the radio show asking the host how to talk to the teacher about the punishment her child was getting for saying cuss words. She wanted to dispute the case. The host wisely advised her to allow the child to suffer the consequences. What will he learn if his mommy rescues him from the teacher? What would the child learn about submitting to authority? What would he learn about cussing?

With the best intentions, parents want the best life for the children. But sometimes that means allowing them to learn through unpleasant life experiences. That often teaches lessons more than an hour of lecture. What else have you found to be effective to teach values from the inside out?

Photo by respres

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Comments

  1. Hey lady – on a side note, drop by my blog… I have something for you 😉

     
  2. THANKS, girlfriend!

     
  3. […] in Parenting has the sixth and final article on effective discipline. Check out the […]

     
  4. great ideas-love the suffer the consequences idea. Every day this week one of my kids has forgotten something and even though i know i shouldn’t, I take it to school for the!What is wrong with me!? I need some ideas for getting my kids ready for school without flipping my wig. Thought by now we would be in a routine, but its still painful and noisy every day. Help MEEEEE

     
  5. as parents, we try to explain to our 2.5 y/o why we have certain rules or why we have to say no to something. sometime she accepts the answer, and sometimes she doesn’t (ie running into the street, bursting into tears when she doesn’t get her way, eating her vegetables etc.) when simple reasoning does not work, what do you do next? by ignoring the situation or replacing it with something more palatable, haven’t we just told her that she doesn’t have to behave or do what is expected?

     
  6. spedrunr, I think a 2.5 year old is not able to be rational to understand all the reasons why she can’t do certain things. As I said in this post, lecturing by itself does not work. Kids will forget, or they purposely forget!
    Teaching responsible behavior is a continuous effort. We wish we can ignore it! She’s only had 2.5 years in this world. If you continue to be consistent in correcting her when she misbehaves, she’ll catch on.

     
  7. spedrunr, about the second part of your comment: Your daughter at the age of 2 is beginning to exercise some level of autonomy. That’s the way it should be. She is beginning to grow up.

    So for example, when you are cooking, give her a choice. “Which veggie do you want for dinner, peas or carrots?” Give her a small portion of whatever she says and be done with it.

    Remember we all have some personal preferences. You wouldn’t want someone to force you to eat brussel sprouts, but maybe you’ll eat broccoli instead. 🙂

    Food is not a good battleground for parents to engage in. You can’t win because you can’t make kids eat. Placing too much emphasis on it will only aggravate the situation. Meal times at home should be associated with happiness in the home. If you are modeling good eating habits, your child will eventually catch on.

    Your daughter bursting into tears is not something you want to control. That’s the way she is expressing her frustrations. Let her cry it out. As long as you are consistent and do not give in to her demands, she’ll catch on.

    There is a difference between offering an alternative and trying to appease her. In offering a choice, you are showing that you recognize her as an individual and allowing her to develop as an individual. She is no longer being treated like a baby. “I’ll give you candy if you eat your veggies” is definitely not the kind of choice you want to give and definitely not a good practice. 🙂

     

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